Madland’s guide to getting your own lunch
At lunchtime I like a sandwich, if I am not enjoying fine-dining at the taxman’s expense. Recently I have been working with a Jackanory of PR’s and one day I asked them where I could get a decent sandwich and a fresh juice. You’d have thought I’d started a game of bullshit bingo.
“There’s a really good tapas place round the corner, the falafel king is fantastic, and the burrito cart is the dogs.” Because PR pixies are always selling dreams, to their clients and the media, their natural instinct isn’t to give you what you want, when they can sell you something better, in their minds anyway.
I wonder what the answers would have been if I’d have asked people from London’s other advertising villages.
Creative team: there’s a supertastic pop-up deli cart under a railway bridge in the East End that sells the best looking stuff, then you can make your own.
TV Buyer: the greasy spoon in Gray’s Inn Road does a top all-day breakfast roll, although make sure you get plenty of filling in the centre and tell him you want a discount or you’ll go to the café in Horseferry Road.
Client: thanks, can you get me what you’re having.
Press buyer: they do a great spread in the Dog and Bollock and I can get you upfront for a small cover charge, or how about a wrap?
Poster buyer: lunch should be taken liquid, I know a place where they keep a barrel for me.
Account director: make sure you get a receipt with delivery included.
TV salesman: we only have food for young adults or upmarket men around here.
Techie: well that depends what day of the week it is and I’m not sure how much it’ll cost. Anyway what do you want a sandwich and juice for, there’s microwaveable pizza and coke in the fridge.
Media agency head: we can guarantee we know where you can buy at the best prices, as long as you pay upfront.
Trade body head: best to organise a committee and agree some standards as a group.
Researcher: after extensive studies, it is fifty-percent more tasty at……..
Social media guru: have you looked at what’s trending on Twitter or what your 10,000 friends like?
Art director: in a monochrome world I recommend vibrant red tomato and golden butter on black-rye, here borrow my pantone chart.
Poster seller: I’ve got the best sites at all major junctions, where are you? I’ll tell you how hard it is to spot, and you get cashback.
Radio buyer: I frequently recommend locally-sourced old-spot pork, if it’s am the crackling’s particularly good.
Trade magazine journalist: I’ve had two calls about that already this morning, let me speak to a few more contacts and I’ll get back to you with an exclusive deal, might take a few days.
Barter specialist: I’ve got access to hotel rooms, you can get something on room service, pay 80% of the value in cash and I’ll take what’s left in the office fridge.
Strategic planner: let me chew on that one.
Copywriter: it should be Jooce & SandWiches.
Man with short back and sides, a bushy beard and brown shoes: I can create for you a fully interactive, holographic hunger satisfying experience, and all you need is the latest iPad and a couple of year’s wait.
Consultant: I can get you the best value if you tell me what you want, and I’ll show you a great way to make it marginally better, for a fee.
Teenage son: I don’t eat sandwiches
Wife: I’ll make you something, and I won’t mention when I want to watch America’s Next Top Model when football’s on live TV.
Young son: why not go to McDonalds
Good idea, Big Mac and Shake it is.
You can read my other blogs and about what I do here: www.balloo.co.uk